What Men Were Taught to Do With Feelings -- and What It's Done to Them
The wall men built to stay safe is the same wall keeping everyone they love at a distance.
The Truth of It: Men were taught that emotions were dangerous. So they buried them, built armor, and called it strength. That armor worked once. Now it's the loneliest place they've ever lived.
The feelings men have. The thing you do instead of feeling them.
Be Stoic. Be Strong. Show no emotions. Boys don’t cry. That’s weakness. Never let them see you sweat, don’t let them get under your skin.
And of course, the classic oxymoronic double-standard, “Turn the other cheek. Don’t start a fight, but if someone else starts it, be sure you finish it.”
By that logic, boys are taught to be emotionless vessels, zombies who have to bury their emotions, unless it’s anger…and then they’re allowed, no…EXPECTED to go full Incredible Hulk.
The grow up walled-off, pent-up, and hoping for the stamina to hold the next piece of straw, because if they can’t, that just means they’re weak.
No wonder men are struggling with stress, high blood pressure, and heart attacks.
All that energy has to go somewhere, so it shows up where it’s been stuffed: inside.
What Emotions Were You Allowed to Have Growing Up?
If you showed emotions, any emotions, did you have consequences?
Were you taught to keep a tight rein on any expression, whether it was anger, or even joy?
Parents who grew up struggling to survive knew nothing of the term ‘emotional intelligence,’ and if they did, they’d call it sissy bullshit.
What they learned got passed down, their survival instinct obviously worked, because they lived long enough to procreate. Time to share the wisdom with the next generation they love so much.
Don’t be angry – that’s rebellion. You might get into a fight.
Don’t be too happy – you’ll look like you’re better than everybody else, because everyone else is miserable.
Live a flat line.
Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
What Did You Learn Happened When Men Showed Emotion?
There were consequences; inconsistently consistent consequences.
Crying = You were being dramatic and a bother. “Just get over it, it isn’t that important.” “Don’t be a sissy.” And of course, the ultimate classic threat, “If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about.”
So you learned that expressing your sadness wasn’t safe.
Anger = “Don’t you talk back to me, young man!” “I’m bigger than you, you better settle down right now!” “Who do you think you’re talking to??” Maybe they even made a preemptive strike to knock you back before you could attack.
So you learned that expressing your anger, maybe even asserting yourself, wasn’t safe.
Happiness/Joy = “Don’t be so happy. There are kids suffering, who don’t have it as good as you.” “Don’t get too high on yourself, or God will take you down a peg or two.” “What do you have to be so happy about? Wait until you have bills to pay, then you’ll see.”
So you learned that expressing your joy wasn’t safe.
You learned to be like your parents: disconnected and removed.
What Do You Do with Feelings Now?
Practice makes perfect, and you’ve had years of doing the reps.
The only problem is now you’re around people who love you and want to feel connected with you. And they sense the tension from you, your energy precedes you into any room or conversation.
Because you’re still living that script that you’re really good at: stay safe, emotions are bad.
Oh, you might smile, you might laugh, you might shed a tear at a movie about a dog, but that’s as far as it goes.
Nothing comes out, and nobody gets inside.
If you do feel something, you’ve not only been able to increase your capacity for more straws, you’ve leased a storage unit that they don’t even know about…all so you can keep your emotions hidden, and you can feel safe.
Because if you don’t have to talk about it, it isn’t even real.
What Would Emotional Honesty Actually Make Possible?
How would it feel to actually connect to another human being? To truly feel something?
The mere thought of it is probably so terrifying that you might even be dismissing it right now.
But dismissing it isn’t going to improve your connection to your family, and it’s not going to improve your well-being and happiness in life.
What do you really want to say to your wife, to your partner, to your kids, that you’ve been afraid to express? You’ve provided for them, you’ve shown your love with security, how about actually saying it instead of showing it?
What would be possible if that wall of armor around your heart had a visor that lifted so you could see out.
And they could see in?
Who would they get the gift of re-connecting to? Who would you receive the blessing of being?
Suppression isn't strength. It's just a slower kind of damage.
It does take strength to stuff emotions down and contain them. It’s the wrong kind of strength.
That is misguided rigidity, brittle and easily fractured.
Real strength is expression, trust, and willing vulnerability.
Are you man enough to let them see you cry?
That visor has always been there. You just forgot it could open.
The Undivided Man shows you what's on the other side.
Fourteen questions. Less than five minutes. Uncannily accurate.
