Category Archives: Success!

Five Powerful Things You Need to Know When You Hear, “You’re Fired!”

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How to reframe your personal story from failure to success

“This isn’t working out for us.”

And with that sentence, I was out of a job.

It’s a kinder, gentler way of saying, “You’re fired.”

Maybe it softens the blow, maybe it helps to ease the transition from earning an income to a potential void of currency, or maybe it just makes the other person feel better because in their heart they don’t want to be harsh. I can appreciate that.

Either way, for me, that moment sucked. For many people, that feeling sticks.

I was lucky.

In the moments after that statement, I realized that I had a new perspective on my abilities and my resiliency.

It’s because of these realizations that come from the shock of losing a job, that some people believe that everyone should experience being fired at least once in their career.

Rather than feeling sorry for myself, I immediately took action reaching out to contacts and recruiters to make connections and get referrals.

I also dug in deep on a personal level and kicked up the marketing for my personal business.

Those who have known me for a long time will recognize that this is a massive shift for me.

I used to play the victim a lot. I felt bad for myself when things didn’t go my way; I felt bad for others when things went my way and not theirs; and I felt bad in general – I had a victim mentality that said “life happens to me” instead of “I happen to life.”

I’d look for ways to scramble back to old relationships that were clearly unhealthy, but they were encased in a comfort zone of “this is what I know.” There were familiar and therefore comfortable.

Thankfully for me, the other person tended to recognize the lack of health and stood firm on their decision. I was forced to move forward in spite of myself.

And since the direction was imposed on my outside of my perceived choice, I wasn’t happy with it.

Seeing a pattern yet?

Maybe this confession resonates with you and your experiences.

How often do you define your path forward based on your past?

Do you perceive the closing of one door to leave you alone and without resources to move forward, whether it’s in business, relationships or a personal challenge?

REVELATION: THE PAST DOES NOT NEED TO DEFINE THE FUTURE

Change is almost never easy. (Notice that I didn’t fall for the trite version, “Change is never easy.” That’s a logical fallacy of over-generalization that is easy to fall victim to. It’s a trap that I help many clients get out of when the fall for the similar message, “Nothing ever goes right for me.”)

I have to thank the mentors who have helped me to move past the old, victim-minded me and into the achievement-minded self I am currently.

That path was a challenge for all of us as I kept feeling the pull of the past, the familiar and the inherent perceived safety therein.

Looking back on those years of growth and change, I realize now that I’ve been granted a gift to use to help others navigate the same space. I was acutely aware of the challenges and how I moved past them.

It was hard work, and it gave me the perspective to bring strength to others for their journeys.

Here are five things that I’ve learned in my journey.

Oh, and by the way, I’m still changing and growing. It’s an ongoing process. I still need mentors to help me move forward.

As one of my teachers said to me recently, “You help those who are on the path behind you. I don’t even have it all figured out yet, but I am in a place to help you and you are in a place to help those who are coming along. Do what you can do for them as I do for you and others do for me.”

OK, back to the list.

1. Before You Do Anything, Take a Deep Breath

Assess your situation.

If you’re prone to falling into negative thinking and associating your situation with failure, become aware of those thoughts and SHUT THEM DOWN NOW.

When I teach scuba diving for PADI, one of the safety concepts we teach new divers is how to avoid making entanglement worse. While it’s a rare occurrence, it is possible for a diver to become stuck in fishing line or a net.

The steps for this situation are applicable to life in general: Stop, Breathe, Assess the Situation and Act.

Without that moment to breathe and assess, it’s easy for a new diver (or even an experienced one) to fall into the trap of reacting.

When that happens, they panic – twisting and turning in an attempt to free themselves. Unfortunately, this tends to make the problem worse by wrapping them up more securely.

2. Don’t React, Instead Choose to Respond

Reaction is emotional. They are charged with potential energy of conflict.

Responses are intellectual; they come from a place of perspective and reflection.

If you need to, walk away.

Give yourself time to calm down before taking action.

What do you want to accomplish? What are your goals in this new space?

It’s a blank slate upon which you can write your new destiny. Will it be one of failure or success?

Will you choose to stick to old thinking that left you where you are, or choose a new thoughts that will take you into new territory?

3. Remove Defeatist Negative Thinking

Instead of trapping yourself in ideas such as, “This is not what I want,” “I should have done X and this would be different,” or “I can’t go on,” give yourself a new perspective of personal power.

Choose phrasing such as “My future is mine to choose,” “I did everything in my power to the best of my ability, it’s time for me to move forward with something different,” or “This is just a bump and I am stronger than this event.”

4. Realize That You Have Resources

As I wrote earlier, it’s easy to feel disconnected when we lose a relationship or parts of our network.

But even as one or two pieces fall, step back and realize that there are others to whom you are still connected.

You are not alone.

Others have been where you are, and others will be there after you. Reach out to those whom may be able to help build your positive perspective.

Pay attention so that you can help those who reach out to you in a few months or years – because they will.

Advanced Tip: Avoid the pitfall of commiserating and playing the “Woe is me card.” It’s an easy trap to fall into.

5. Your Thoughts Can Stall You or Save You – It’s Your Choice

"The man who thinks he can and the man who thinks he can't are both right. Which one are you?" - Henry Ford

Our beliefs in ourselves are learned. We are not born thinking of ourselves as success or failures – we merely are alive.

Through shocking events or repetition of exposure to a message (or both) we begin to tell ourselves a story about who we are and what we deserve in life.

Some of us believe that we are undeserving and unworthy of success, love, and maybe even happiness. These ideas are embedded in our subconscious.

As silly as it seems, we reinforce these negative beliefs as our minds look for proof to reinforce the thoughts we have about ourselves. Our mind is doing what it thinks is good for us – reinforcing the story of our identity.

Unfortunately, when these stories are based in false, negative thoughts, they do not help us to reach achievement. Instead they hold us in an uncomfortable comfort zone: familiar yet uninspiring, we stay there because the world outside of that space is unknown and therefore to be feared.

These beliefs about ourselves can be changed. The program is not hard-wired into our brains.

Psychological therapy, behavioral therapy and/or hypnotherapy can all help in creating the new foundation of positive internal thoughts of success.

Obviously, I am partial to hypnotherapy, but I have experienced the other techniques too. At one time or another, they each helped me to grow and reframe my perception of my self and my personal power.

My question to you is, “How can I help you?”

If this confession resonated with you, if my past struggles are similar to ones that you are experiencing, know that I understand and have been where you are.

From that place of empathy, I can offer help to you to navigate your path forward and discover your strength.

Contact me to talk about your challenge. I offer a free 30-minute consultation.

It’s your choice to decide how to move forward.

Choose wisely.

Can You Successfully Overcome Negative Beliefs?

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Three Answers That Won’t Make Your Day Any Better and One Suggestion That Will

I woke up feeling like a failure.

No, that’s not quite true. I never fully slept that night, so I can’t honestly claim to have “woken up” that morning. It was more like I just carried on from the night before.

Stress and negative beliefs are like that – we get stuck in patterns of thinking that we can’t achieve our goals. Obstacles seem to be eternal and insurmountable, while our energy and time appear to be all too frail, fleeting and limited.

You probably want to know what I did to break the cycle… What wonder-pill cure or quick-fix technique got me back on track?

1.  Here’s your answer: There isn’t one.

Issues like this run deep. The symptoms that appear at the surface, the things that we think are the problem, are just a symbol of it.

It’s like taking aspirin for a headache caused by a brain tumor… You may feel better for a bit, but the underlying problem is still there.

Like all personal work that is rooted in the goal to achieve more, personal development takes work – COMMITTED WORK, LONG-TERM WORK, and, most importantly, FOCUSED WORK.

Many of my clients come to me asking if one session will fix their issue (or them). The answer is no, or at least not very likely.

We learn our beliefs about ourselves over years of reacting to situations. We don’t unlearn them overnight. Repetition to a message is key to internalizing it.

As a hypnotherapist, I work directly with my client’s subconscious minds. This is where we hold our beliefs about ourselves and the emotions that surround them.

By going directly to the subconscious to reprogram these thoughts with new, positive messages, the overall time to change the client’s belief system may be shorter than with other modalities that take place on the conscious level, such as psychotherapy.

Studies have shown hypnotherapy to be a more effective modality than psychotherapy.

But in the end, it still takes time.

2. The thoughts come back

Have you ever thought you were well beyond an issue from your past, only to suddenly have it reappear in your awareness like a screaming dragon, obliterating all other thoughts with its presence?

You’re not alone.

It’s just part of how we work.

The good news is that we have a choice on how we react to these thoughts.

Do we curl up in bed and wait for them to go away, wasting days, weeks or months of our lives to a mistaken belief?

Do we stand up, acknowledge our achievements (no matter how big or small) and tell the negative thoughts that they no longer have power over us? This book helps immensely.

Either choice is ours to make. You do have the power to choose the latter.

Most likely, that is the more difficult choice to make because it takes effort to quiet these derogatory voices. The path of least resistance is to stay in bed.

But what has ever been accomplished by taking the path of least resistance?

3. Others may not understand your choices

When you commit to making changes in your life, you’re going to begin digging up things of which you were not consciously aware. This can be scary and frustrating.

As you process these new challenges, you may want to do so privately or by talking with those close to you (or a professional).

Professionals can help guide you through these dark waters, but your friends and family may not understand your path.

They might not be open to discussing sensitive, emotional issues – not because they don’t care about you, but they may not have the emotional capacity or reference to do so. That’s OK. Just know that they do care about you and will help in the manner in which they can.

It could also be that the events in your life are a mirror to things in theirs. That may be a mirror into which they would prefer not to look, else they be made aware of their perceived shortcomings.

Our egos make fragile shelters.

So, what can you do when struck with immobilizing thoughts?

First, take a deep breath. Or two. Or three. Or more.

Get calm and get clear.

These thoughts are not you. They are merely thoughts.

Think about what you want to accomplish. Ignore the obstacles that you perceive in the moment. Just think about the goal.

Ask yourself, “What one thing can I do today to get one step closer to my goal?”

Then take that step.

Repeat the process tomorrow.

And the next day.

And the next.

If you find yourself struggling with thoughts of failure, or beliefs that you cannot achieve (or maybe are not worthy of achieving) your goal, then I suggest that you consider hypnotherapy as a tool to help reprogram this internal dialogue.

How do you experience obstacles in your life? How have you overcome them?

Please comment below or write to me at daniel@danielolexa.com

Three Lessons for Turning Your Life Around After a Failure

Create Your Success and Move Forward

I had to close my first practice.

After nearly a year of sacrifice to reinvent my life, I was shutting down. All that time given to studying -- time created by declining vacations (including one dive trip to the Caribbean), missing dinners and holidays with friends and family and getting up before 5A – felt wasted.

My goal was to build the most popular hypnotherapy practice in my town in Florida. I had written VERY specific goals; visualized a VERY specific outcome; invested time, money and energy into a VERY specific business and it was gone.

It wasn’t lack of business that led to the closing. It was relocation. I was moving from Florida to California.

Exciting, right?

For the first few months in Los Angeles, I didn’t take my own advice.I fought for what no longer was, I lived in the past and I pitied myself.

I’m wired to help other people, but help myself? Nah – What do I know?

A colleague of mine described this phenomenon pretty neatly. He said to me, “Working on your own stuff is like trying to shave your own back. You can probably get some of it, but you won’t see it all and will miss more than a few spots.”

I re-branded and opened a new practice in California.

The journey forward has been enlightening.

Here are three things that I’ve learned from this transition.

1. It’s good to have specific goals, but you also need to be flexible.

In my desire to build a specific business, I branded myself to a certain location. I could see my future so clearly; the plan was all worked out in my mind. I wasn’t going to ever move, so why not use a name that positions me as a provider to an entire region?

Smart, right?

Uh, not so much in my case.

I ignored suggestions from those who went before me. They told me to use my name instead of a regional designation.

But I didn’t listen.

Unfortunately, the initials SWFL don’t resonate well in SoCal.

I had to look at my real goal. What did I really want?

I wanted to have a successful practice. It really did not have to be constrained to one location. It could exist anywhere.

I accepted my lesson and this time, I named my company after me.

Now, if I ever need to relocate again, I can take myself with me wherever I go.

Takeaway: Plan for the unexpected. Create your own flexibility by vetting your ideas and being open to feedback.

2. Once it’s over, let it go.

I let my sense of frustration… no, it was more than that… it was a sense of failure… get in my way.

I let anger take over.

I resented closing that business; I resented California rents and California taxation; I resented moving 3,000 miles and giving up all of my network of friends and family.

Most of all, I resented me.

Instead of taking this tabula rasa opportunity to once again reinvent myself and my practice, I was just wallowing in self-pity.

One day, I had a harsh gut-check and knew that I had to get out of my funk and start moving forward again.

Since then, opportunities have appeared that would have remained invisible if I had not taken responsibility for myself, gotten off my ass and started walking forward.

Is this a hard step?

From personal experience, yes, it can be.

We tend to want what we can't have and look to the past as a better, safer place than the unknown future.

Also from personal experience, I know that we make our path as difficult or as easy as we think it should be. Our personal sense of worth determines our outlook.

Takeaway:  Get over it. Let it go and start moving. Small, consistent steps are as effective as big ones.

3. Celebrate wins. Even small ones.

When you’re in a dark place, it’s difficult to see the good things. Read more on that here.

Once you have started moving forward, recognize your progress, even small steps.

This ritual will help you to more fully appreciate your motion and it will help crystallize your success in your awareness.

What kind of things should you celebrate? Well, that’s really up to you, but here are some ideas:

If you are becoming a non-smoker and had one less cigarette today than yesterday, that’s a win. You don’t need to go cold turkey.

If you are losing weight and saw a one pound loss instead of the two or three pounds that you were hoping for, congratulations, you are now one pound closer to your goal.

Find and define your own successes.

Takeaway: Stop beating yourself up. Start appreciating all the things you do right.

We all recover from perceived failures. We do it when we’re ready… but why wait? Why put yourself through a hell of your own creation?

If you want some help with re-framing your situation, I’m here to help. Hypnotherapy is an incredible tool for unleashing the power of our subconscious mind.

You know my name. You can reach me at www.danielolexa.com.

Online sessions are available.